It's a new decade y'all!
A decade that is literally named 2020, and I can't help but relate that to clear site, clear vision, and clear direction.
So why not bring in that theme of clarity into our relationships? Why not commit to relating with people in a way that is as empowering and connecting as possible for all involved?
In working with clients, hearing about friends relationship navigations, and navigating my own intimate relationships, it continues to be clear to me
HOW IMPORTANT it is to be as
CLEAR AS POSSIBLE in THE BEGINNING
of especially an *intimate engagement* with someone.
Having clarity from the beginning allows both people to not only respect themselves and each other more, but also allows for less confusion and pain down the line when things become more involved.
I continue to learn how we literally all have different levels of understanding around how to do relationship and what certain engagements within relationship mean to us...
(For example kissing on the face can mean one thing to one person and a totally different thing to another person. Same with sleeping in the same bed, making out, being sexual, etc.)
I've also experienced that when there's a lack of clarity and agreement around the meaning or direction of an intimate engagement with someone, it just leads to a lot of unnecessary struggle, frustration, and strife.
CLARITY and DEPENDABLE STRUCTURES= more space for AUTHENTICITY, AUTHENTIC CONNECTION & JOY.
This is ultimately also the goal of my Consentaslove work as well-- TO CREATE CLEAR STRUCTURES we can all agree to and depend on so we can move through our relationships more smoothly to sustain more connection, mutual respect, joy & ease as opposed to disconnection, pain, & struggle.
Feel free to reach out to me if interested in creating more clear structures for yourself in your relationships to help avoid unnecessary struggle and maintain more ease, joy and grace.
I LOVE supporting people in creating this for themselves.
In the meantime, I'm going to offer this super clear and helpful acronym that was created by ISTA COMMUNITY, and my personal explanations for each word in the acronym.
RBDSM:
R- RELATIONSHIP: What kind of relationships are you currently in? What agreements are you navigating within those other relationships that will affect this one? Talk about this with each other.
B- BOUNDARIES: What boundaries do each of you have as individuals and also in accordance to the other relationships that you're in? (to learn more about what your boundaries may be, Check out my other blog post titled "Getting to Know Yourself" posted on Sept 26, 2016)
D- DESIRES: What desires do each of you have with each other? Inviting you both to be really courageously honest about these, and to embrace non-attachment to them as well. It can be healing and empowering to simply share vulnerably what your desires are, even if they don't get fully met by this particular person. If they're different, I encourage you all to practice step #4 COLLABORATION of my CONSENT AND THE 4 C's, and play the game of counter-offering until y'all agree on an arrangement that feels really good for both of you, or to discover that maybe you both aren't an ideal match after all, and may need to say no to each other (which is totally fine too).
To learn more about Consent and the 4 C's, check out my blog post titled "Consent and the 4 C's" posted on Jun 21, 2018 .
S- STI'S: It's SO IMPORTANT to have this conversation and to be honest. People need to have choice around their health and what they're exposing their bodies to so they can have informed consent. Also, if you're in multiple relationships, you're not just caring for your own body health but also the body health of those you're involved with.
I will share vulnerably that I got herpes type 1 from the 2nd person I ever had sex with at 19 years old, and have therefore had to have the herpes/ STI conversation for the majority of my sex life. To ease some anxiety around this conversation for you all, my sex life has been very vibrant even so, and that only a few people have expressed uncomfortability around my condition. Also, in me sharing my status openly and in a timely matter, it actually cultivates more trust between me and that person. Multiple people have expressed feeling more safe with me because I've shared so openly and honestly with them.
If you do have an STI it's important for you to include the nature of your outbreaks, how often you get them, where specifically they are etc. so that person can make an informed choice with their own body in relation to yours.
As someone who has an STI, on top of sharing lots of information around the nature and facts around my condition, I create space for whomever I'm interacting to feel ease around asking me any clarifying questions and invite them to look at me physically as much as they need to to feel comfortable interacting with me.
Moreover if you have an STI, YOU ARE STILL WORTHY of having STI boundaries with other people, and STILL WORTHY of knowing all the adequate health information from whomever you're interacting with so you can make an informed choice for yourself.
I can't tell you how many times less respectful people I've interacted with in the past have said something along the lines of "Well you already have herpes so why should you care...?" in relationship to me wanting to know more about the nature of their sexual engagements and their STI status. So. Not. Okay. Just because I have herpes doesn't mean I want Ghonorea or HPV or HIV! Everyone deserves to have respect around their own body boundaries no matter what.
If you're interested in some coaching around these kinds of conversations, please contact me!
M- MEANING: This one is ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY important because I believe it's the one that creates the most pain if not clarified in the beginning. *Everyone* has a different meaning around what certain types of interactions in intimate relationships mean. Therefore it's really supportive of connection, joy and ease to get clear on what those kinds of meanings are for each person. The risk of not doing so often results in one person leading another person on, or one or both of you having a fictitious idea of how the relationship is developing, which never feels good nor in integrity for either person. Y'all want to have *real* relationships, right? ... not ones based in fantasy.
Some helpful questions to think about in relation to meaning-making:
What does it mean for both of your to.. sleep in the same bed together? eat food together? read books together? Share day/day happenings with each other? Kiss each other? Make out? Share energetic sexual energy together? Have sex together? Meet each others friends? Meet each others family? Call each other "babe"? Say "I love you" to each other?... and the list can go on and on.
No matter what kind of intimate relationship you choose to engage in with this person, whether it be more light-hearted or serious (and it can honestly look so many different ways! An opportunity to get creative based on your conversation around RBDSM), it's always supportive of authentic, fulfilling connection to be honest and clear about what you want and are available for, and to create agreements together around how to get both your needs met based on your conversation.
I also want to note that this acronym can be used in friendships as well... and not just intimate relationships. I'll be releasing a blog post soon about how to specifically set up friendships for success soon so stay tuned for that.
Happy New Year all! Wishing you all clear, fulfilling and joyful relating!
<3
I ENCOURAGE YOU TO USE IT IN ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE! 📷
