In cultivating a world that values CHOICE, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION and CONNECTION (the one I want to see), it’s SO important to positively reinforce people who are actually willing to do their work, be vulnerable, and give YOU the GIFT of their self-responsibility acknowledgement, and apology.
Too often I’ve found that people don’t even HAVE the emotional capacity or awareness to be capable of this ownership. More often than not, people become defensive or go into shame/blame. This is also the norm.
We have not been taught what it looks like to be self-responsible and our relationships. We were not taught how to have really powerful and successful repair conversations. We didn’t grow up with courses around how to have healthy relationships in grade school… (which why I so passionately teach them!)
What I’ve found is that because it’s not the norm, when people ARE actually receiving the gift of someone else’s ability to take responsibility for their actions, it goes unacknowledged, it’s used as a way to further manipulate; have power over, or control that person; or it’s simply dismissed.
This is SO SAD to me because it feels like such a BIG OPPORTUNITY LOST to encourage real and necessary re-patterning for us all to truly have healthy and successful, connected relationships.
It’s so EASY to want to want to be right… to want to make this person wrong. But what really matters in cultivating, fulfilling connection is: do I feel seen, heard, respected, valued, trusting of this person.
Why do I see someone taking responsibility for their actions as a GIFT? Because this person has the COURAGE to be VULNERABLE and ADMIT how their actions have an impact on me… They are willing to love me enough to see my world and acknowledge how they affect me.
As opposed to fight me on it or try to make me wrong or gaslight my experience, which then causes me to retract and feel disconnected and untrusting.
Because this person, in their capacity to be self-responsible, is providing space for me to TRUST them, trust that they can understand how they impact me… and therefore giving me the huge gift of being able to LOVE them and myself, more.
Trust= everything.
So. When someone gives you this gift- one of the hardest ones to give, one of the most vulnerable and courageous to give, to admit fault, I invite you to really acknowledge and love that person in that process.
Here’s a Step BY Step Break Down in how to acknowledge that person with Love and Encouragement as opposed to manipulate, make wrong, have power over, or control that person;.
Supporting Someone Being Self-Responsible:
1st Step: The Self-Acknowledgement/ Admitting Negative Impact of the Behavior. When this person admits to how their behavior has impacted you, THANK THEM for the courage to be able to admit that. Better yet, celebrate them. You can even let them know how much more trusting and connected you feel towards them in their ability to do that (or however that makes you feel).
2nd Step: The Apology. Same as step one. Thank them for their ability to see how they’ve impacted and their willingness to apologize to you for it.
3rd Step: The Feelings. This person may show remorse for the way that their actions have hurt you. Support them feeling those feelings of shame, guilt, anger, sadness, tears. They need to release those. Your support of them having these feelings from the impact that they’ve had on you will allow them to feel safer and more comfortable acknowledging this in the future, allowing you both to feel more connection and trust with each other. It’s good if they have these feelings in their impact on you. It shows that they care.
How you can act out of manipulation or power over:
Shaming theming for their actions
Saying that
Running with your own story rather than trusting their own reality or intention
How this person responds to each step is EVERYTHING.
Acknowledging effort and vulnerability is EVERYTHING.
When their doing it with care & vulnerability, support them.
If either of you waver, bring yourselves back.
WE ARE NOT OUR ACTIONS
WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR LIVING UP TO OUR OWN VALUE SYSTEM.
We can always change our actions… and why not encourage each other as much as we can to do better as much as possible?
We aren’t responsible for someone’s reality, but we are responsible to live into our own values-- and hopefully that includes respecting ourselves and others to the best of our ability.
Contact me if you’re interested in learning more about how to do this well with yourself and your loved ones.
<3